oh la la

so, i'm back from temporary vacation.
i had to take it. my relationship was going down the drain and there was no other way but to use my sword .. if you get what i mean. this also marks the very first occasion cards have been completely and totally true and i'm really really glad i followed their advice.
other than that ... well, july was killed by this and august by licking my own wounds and trying to find a purpose in my life. it's harder than you might think.
there's school on monday. my heart will break the moment i rush upstairs and see a different class in Ten' classroom. and then i will finally break down and cry all the tears i have been suppresing since may. and my image will crumble down, oh well.
i'm also getting a new room. oh yay, but it will take a shitload of work that i alone must do. i've got strange feelings about this anyway. i'm also getting new glasses, go me.
well, time to get out from behind the computer and go out and do something creative. behave yourselves.

not dead

i know, i haven't written anything in ages. but... i just haven't had the lust for writing.
relationship-wise, life has turned upside-down in one day. She got a BF, so that's some official polyamory for me. it's hard handling such a relationship, though, very hard. i can't say i have felt at peace ever since it happened, really. hopefully it will pass, everything i wish for is her happiness.
in me-department, let's just say that i have also been out ... and i know the next time, stuff will be happening and it will also be the last time i will see him. oh well.
other than that, MOR. that was very very good. except for a bunch of drunk people, it was grand. i mean, Tobi is my new obsession, you should really see that guy on stage. he put up some amazing performance.
i'm cutting this short, i don't feel like typing it all out over and over again. i might post some art later, this was just to let somebody out there know i am not dead. well, not yet.

and here, have some art now

okay, so the first one is cue games, of course. that will probably remain my obsession forever. again, muse in his vampire form. look at all the rococo there, it took a shitload of research and i really enjoyed drawing it, even the mirror [in which nothing is reflected because he's a VAMPIRE HAHA -retarded-].
the next one is elizabeth. i believe i haven't mentioned her here yet ... so she's from a certain story i have in my mind [with close paralels in real life HAHAHA -even more retarded-]. it involves vampires and such, i just might make a bunch of entries about my characters, i need a place to store all the info in anyway. so yes, she's in fact a polite young lady, but sometimes, shite just happens and some vampires are downright sick. [aka i needed to manifest the D/s side of my mind somewhere]
then maëlys. i recently started playing pokémon diamond and this was the result. i still love the pokémon universe , even though i'd liek to kill the fans. so i will use this one as my OC and it's probably another side of Lapyna, my main chara.
and then the moon ... i was walking home, nicely drunk with wine, and it was a full moon and it was just beautiful. after all, it is the most visible image of the Godess on our earth ... i just like full moons, i guess.
oh and happy solstice to everyone!

one more week

i still don't have a job. someone tell me how am i supposed to go to MOR when i don't have any money. i really need to find a wallet on the ground with 1000 crowns in it. or dollars or euro, doesn't matter much, the main thing is that i need some serious money. people have suggested i just tell my parents, but ... i would feel so extremely retarded doing that. i mean, i'm almost an adult. i feel bad asking anyone, and especially my parents, for money, even if it's for school things and so on. hell, i feel bad when mum buys me new clothes. i dunno, i'm a very sad case indeed.
other than that, life has been fine. She celebrated her 18th birthday yesterday. one big party. koskenkorva has to be the BEST thing i've vever drank, i always knew finland was a good country, with all the music and great scenery and herr holopainen and good vodka. appanrently, it's also herr hietala's favourite beverage. no wonder. also, i started drinking red wine. probably because of the memories i have of it, but still, it tastes good and i like it better than beer.
muse officially put me on the scrapheap. well, figures. i just don't know if it's good or bad.
school's over in a week. that's good, very good. vacation is a blessing. on monday i shall go and practise czech so i can pass the new maturita exam, on tuesday i'll just drav with Lančmítová, wednesday is Slovanská epopej for me [oh how i have been longing to draw that one] and thursday roaming around brno in search of literature stuff. friday - report cards and then baibai school for two months. i wonder what's waiting for me in those two months.
i will go and post some art here now.

the last one

.. of my lessons of IT, that is. a sad sad thing, the teacher is the sexiest thing ever.
well, i didn't get any of the mentioned jobs, but it looks like i will work with flowers, which is not bad, since they don't talk. speaking about flowers, nothing like having a bunch of roses on your table, really.
this week, my life is mainly turning around explaining myself to others, movies i really shouldn't watch and mainly gothic things. also, school is over in a week, which is beautiful.
i haveother thngs to write in, logging off.

the part-job crusade

yes, i did that today. it involved getting up at six and almost vomiting.
there was blood [because she needed to visit her doctor] and sweat [it was 30 degrees celsia, now that's sick; i kept in the shadows and shielded myself with my hand and i must have looked real idiotic], but in the end, i've got a few places where i would really like to work and they look like they accept people long-term.
the first one is an art supplies store. yes, you heard me right. i would probably die if they hired me, but it's not very likely, since they're full for the moment. but i would like to work there so much. although i'd probably steal half of the store equipment.
the second one is a gothic shop. yes you heard me right yet again. i would KILL for this one. i could play whatever music i would like and i don't even want to think how i would spend the money. they have such beautiful leather pants there.
and the hird one, which seems the most likely ... a bookshop. yes, you heard me right again. a BOOKSHOP. with esoteric books on the top. the belle in me will probably die the day i will be able to sit down there and read all the books. i've already sent the guy my CV, so hopefully it will work out, please cheer for me.
hopefully at least one of those will work out. i would be real happy working at all of those places.

damned vampires

no tarja reference. i just joined vampirefreaks [acc: DamnedDivine] and from the several minutes i've been there the name is not so off. there aren't any vampires, but there are loads of freaks. people go out of their way to speak to you, that's real creepy. i expected more goth angst and less sociable people. i am really bored on the net, as you can see. but this way, i can focus on colouring pictures.
other than that, in art department, there's bunch of sketches and one fic i'm working on with muse. it's about that crazy city from my dreams and it's really interesting, from what i can judge by this time. we spent the whole afternoon just writing, that was grand.
i just froze in my tracks because i thought something knocked on my window and it was just a cable falling. oh my god, i'm such a creep.
school is boring, i can't wait till i get out of there. only a month to go before MOR. i will also go to Krumlov in august, which means fun with Artemis. nice news.

reborn

no ragnarok.
Ten finally got out of school. it's been three days now .. and i feel fine, really. kind of ... reborn, that explains the title. i'm not sure i wil not break down tomorrow or the day after that, but i feel fine for the time being. at least until i see him again. unintentionaly, he made the parting much easier for me by doing what he did. for now, i've achieved the kind of zen-like peace in mind and heart.
other than that, life has been fine, really. i completely changed the music in my MP3 player, well except for nightwish, they stay at all occasions; some blind guardian, alestorm, tristania and such stuff finally found their place on the player.
and what will i do next in my life? just keep enjoying the presence of my class which i finally now have time for; keep studying japanese and maybe finally start finnish next year; and of course, delve deeper into all pagan stuff i can find. overally, things are gonna get interesting. at least until i manage to fuck up my life again.

the black hole

alright, so i got better after reading one particular blog that always sets me up in an optimistic mood.
to become even more optimistic, i decided to empty my bag the way Noira did and tell you whatever i find inside, just for the thrill and because i need to occupy my mind with something other than money-issues.
so what's in the depths of my bag?

• a paper-filled folder. mostly school stuff, but there are papers i haven't touched for months, mostly with doodles and old letters.
• my sketchbook. that thing has a life of its own. papers, sketches, doodles, unfinished pictures. old CDs which were never put back into my collection. printed art. a bunch of tutorials. really, many things can be found there.
• a load of papers. again, doodles. old printed stuff, like my chemistry notes. printed out speeches for my lessons. old letters, again. just some stuff i can always write on quickly if and when i need it.
• books. usually two or three. at the moment there's a tarot book and lolita, in english. not reading anything sucks, to be honest.
• about four lipglosses. i used to be addicted to them abotu a year ago, the obsession's slowly wearing down nowadays, but the stuff still remains in my bag, in case i ever need it.
• my tarot cards. yes, i do readings everywhere, if i need it. and this is the best way to get acquainted with the cards.
• the so called KPZ. or the box of last rescue, for those who don't speak Czech. a bunch of painkillers and tampones. without those, i'm screwed on my period, really.
• then things like my keys, mobile phone and my wallet. wallet is filled with useless junk and no money.
• and last, but not least ... hookah tobbaco. i don't usually carry it, but i was asked to keep it, so i just do that.

oh well

great news this afternoon. apparently i don't need to come to work anymore, just because there's "a lot of girls this summer and we are not satisfied with you".
so much on doing all the things i wanted to do, such things involving money. like buying a hookah, saving some money for the master of rock festival, playing a lot more of eight-ball, and just generally enjoying the fact taht i have a steady income.
mind you, they can stuff the money up their asses, but my self-esteem is on the floor again after working on it for two years straight. looks like i'm really screwed without Ten. i just feel downright useless and abused on the top, because my friends tend to get abusive nowadays. which results into more escapism and more planning of suicide and such things. and not wanting to get up in the morning, which is quite bad for me.
it can be summed up in one sentence: i hate when people throw sticks under my feet, if you get what i mean.