těžké melodično

oh la la

2008-08-29T14:24:00.002+02:00

so, i'm back from temporary vacation.
i had to take it. my relationship was going down the drain and there was no other way but to use my sword .. if you get what i mean. this also marks the very first occasion cards have been completely and totally true and i'm really really glad i followed their advice.
other than that ... well, july was killed by this and august by licking my own wounds and trying to find a purpose in my life. it's harder than you might think.
there's school on monday. my heart will break the moment i rush upstairs and see a different class in Ten' classroom. and then i will finally break down and cry all the tears i have been suppresing since may. and my image will crumble down, oh well.
i'm also getting a new room. oh yay, but it will take a shitload of work that i alone must do. i've got strange feelings about this anyway. i'm also getting new glasses, go me.
well, time to get out from behind the computer and go out and do something creative. behave yourselves.

not dead

2008-07-19T13:02:00.003+02:00

i know, i haven't written anything in ages. but... i just haven't had the lust for writing.
relationship-wise, life has turned upside-down in one day. She got a BF, so that's some official polyamory for me. it's hard handling such a relationship, though, very hard. i can't say i have felt at peace ever since it happened, really. hopefully it will pass, everything i wish for is her happiness.
in me-department, let's just say that i have also been out ... and i know the next time, stuff will be happening and it will also be the last time i will see him. oh well.
other than that, MOR. that was very very good. except for a bunch of drunk people, it was grand. i mean, Tobi is my new obsession, you should really see that guy on stage. he put up some amazing performance.
i'm cutting this short, i don't feel like typing it all out over and over again. i might post some art later, this was just to let somebody out there know i am not dead. well, not yet.

and here, have some art now

2008-06-21T16:37:00.003+02:00

okay, so the first one is cue games, of course. that will probably remain my obsession forever. again, muse in his vampire form. look at all the rococo there, it took a shitload of research and i really enjoyed drawing it, even the mirror [in which nothing is reflected because he's a VAMPIRE HAHA -retarded-].
the next one is elizabeth. i believe i haven't mentioned her here yet ... so she's from a certain story i have in my mind [with close paralels in real life HAHAHA -even more retarded-]. it involves vampires and such, i just might make a bunch of entries about my characters, i need a place to store all the info in anyway. so yes, she's in fact a polite young lady, but sometimes, shite just happens and some vampires are downright sick. [aka i needed to manifest the D/s side of my mind somewhere]
then maëlys. i recently started playing pokémon diamond and this was the result. i still love the pokémon universe , even though i'd liek to kill the fans. so i will use this one as my OC and it's probably another side of Lapyna, my main chara.
and then the moon ... i was walking home, nicely drunk with wine, and it was a full moon and it was just beautiful. after all, it is the most visible image of the Godess on our earth ... i just like full moons, i guess.
oh and happy solstice to everyone!

one more week

2008-06-21T16:07:00.003+02:00

i still don't have a job. someone tell me how am i supposed to go to MOR when i don't have any money. i really need to find a wallet on the ground with 1000 crowns in it. or dollars or euro, doesn't matter much, the main thing is that i need some serious money. people have suggested i just tell my parents, but ... i would feel so extremely retarded doing that. i mean, i'm almost an adult. i feel bad asking anyone, and especially my parents, for money, even if it's for school things and so on. hell, i feel bad when mum buys me new clothes. i dunno, i'm a very sad case indeed.
other than that, life has been fine. She celebrated her 18th birthday yesterday. one big party. koskenkorva has to be the BEST thing i've vever drank, i always knew finland was a good country, with all the music and great scenery and herr holopainen and good vodka. appanrently, it's also herr hietala's favourite beverage. no wonder. also, i started drinking red wine. probably because of the memories i have of it, but still, it tastes good and i like it better than beer.
muse officially put me on the scrapheap. well, figures. i just don't know if it's good or bad.
school's over in a week. that's good, very good. vacation is a blessing. on monday i shall go and practise czech so i can pass the new maturita exam, on tuesday i'll just drav with Lančmítová, wednesday is Slovanská epopej for me [oh how i have been longing to draw that one] and thursday roaming around brno in search of literature stuff. friday - report cards and then baibai school for two months. i wonder what's waiting for me in those two months.
i will go and post some art here now.

the last one

2008-06-17T08:04:00.002+02:00

.. of my lessons of IT, that is. a sad sad thing, the teacher is the sexiest thing ever.
well, i didn't get any of the mentioned jobs, but it looks like i will work with flowers, which is not bad, since they don't talk. speaking about flowers, nothing like having a bunch of roses on your table, really.
this week, my life is mainly turning around explaining myself to others, movies i really shouldn't watch and mainly gothic things. also, school is over in a week, which is beautiful.
i haveother thngs to write in, logging off.

the part-job crusade

2008-06-09T19:52:00.002+02:00

yes, i did that today. it involved getting up at six and almost vomiting.
there was blood [because she needed to visit her doctor] and sweat [it was 30 degrees celsia, now that's sick; i kept in the shadows and shielded myself with my hand and i must have looked real idiotic], but in the end, i've got a few places where i would really like to work and they look like they accept people long-term.
the first one is an art supplies store. yes, you heard me right. i would probably die if they hired me, but it's not very likely, since they're full for the moment. but i would like to work there so much. although i'd probably steal half of the store equipment.
the second one is a gothic shop. yes you heard me right yet again. i would KILL for this one. i could play whatever music i would like and i don't even want to think how i would spend the money. they have such beautiful leather pants there.
and the hird one, which seems the most likely ... a bookshop. yes, you heard me right again. a BOOKSHOP. with esoteric books on the top. the belle in me will probably die the day i will be able to sit down there and read all the books. i've already sent the guy my CV, so hopefully it will work out, please cheer for me.
hopefully at least one of those will work out. i would be real happy working at all of those places.

damned vampires

2008-06-07T21:51:00.002+02:00

no tarja reference. i just joined vampirefreaks [acc: DamnedDivine] and from the several minutes i've been there the name is not so off. there aren't any vampires, but there are loads of freaks. people go out of their way to speak to you, that's real creepy. i expected more goth angst and less sociable people. i am really bored on the net, as you can see. but this way, i can focus on colouring pictures.
other than that, in art department, there's bunch of sketches and one fic i'm working on with muse. it's about that crazy city from my dreams and it's really interesting, from what i can judge by this time. we spent the whole afternoon just writing, that was grand.
i just froze in my tracks because i thought something knocked on my window and it was just a cable falling. oh my god, i'm such a creep.
school is boring, i can't wait till i get out of there. only a month to go before MOR. i will also go to Krumlov in august, which means fun with Artemis. nice news.

reborn

2008-06-01T22:39:00.002+02:00

no ragnarok.
Ten finally got out of school. it's been three days now .. and i feel fine, really. kind of ... reborn, that explains the title. i'm not sure i wil not break down tomorrow or the day after that, but i feel fine for the time being. at least until i see him again. unintentionaly, he made the parting much easier for me by doing what he did. for now, i've achieved the kind of zen-like peace in mind and heart.
other than that, life has been fine, really. i completely changed the music in my MP3 player, well except for nightwish, they stay at all occasions; some blind guardian, alestorm, tristania and such stuff finally found their place on the player.
and what will i do next in my life? just keep enjoying the presence of my class which i finally now have time for; keep studying japanese and maybe finally start finnish next year; and of course, delve deeper into all pagan stuff i can find. overally, things are gonna get interesting. at least until i manage to fuck up my life again.

the black hole

2008-05-22T15:08:00.002+02:00

alright, so i got better after reading one particular blog that always sets me up in an optimistic mood.
to become even more optimistic, i decided to empty my bag the way Noira did and tell you whatever i find inside, just for the thrill and because i need to occupy my mind with something other than money-issues.
so what's in the depths of my bag?

a paper-filled folder. mostly school stuff, but there are papers i haven't touched for months, mostly with doodles and old letters.
my sketchbook. that thing has a life of its own. papers, sketches, doodles, unfinished pictures. old CDs which were never put back into my collection. printed art. a bunch of tutorials. really, many things can be found there.
a load of papers. again, doodles. old printed stuff, like my chemistry notes. printed out speeches for my lessons. old letters, again. just some stuff i can always write on quickly if and when i need it.
books. usually two or three. at the moment there's a tarot book and lolita, in english. not reading anything sucks, to be honest.
about four lipglosses. i used to be addicted to them abotu a year ago, the obsession's slowly wearing down nowadays, but the stuff still remains in my bag, in case i ever need it.
my tarot cards. yes, i do readings everywhere, if i need it. and this is the best way to get acquainted with the cards.
the so called KPZ. or the box of last rescue, for those who don't speak Czech. a bunch of painkillers and tampones. without those, i'm screwed on my period, really.
then things like my keys, mobile phone and my wallet. wallet is filled with useless junk and no money.
and last, but not least ... hookah tobbaco. i don't usually carry it, but i was asked to keep it, so i just do that.

oh well

2008-05-22T13:45:00.002+02:00

great news this afternoon. apparently i don't need to come to work anymore, just because there's "a lot of girls this summer and we are not satisfied with you".
so much on doing all the things i wanted to do, such things involving money. like buying a hookah, saving some money for the master of rock festival, playing a lot more of eight-ball, and just generally enjoying the fact taht i have a steady income.
mind you, they can stuff the money up their asses, but my self-esteem is on the floor again after working on it for two years straight. looks like i'm really screwed without Ten. i just feel downright useless and abused on the top, because my friends tend to get abusive nowadays. which results into more escapism and more planning of suicide and such things. and not wanting to get up in the morning, which is quite bad for me.
it can be summed up in one sentence: i hate when people throw sticks under my feet, if you get what i mean.

of teachers and cue games

2008-05-20T07:49:00.003+02:00

first off today, i hereby declare our IT teacher the sexiest man in the world, especially when he puts on a tuxedo. well, he DOES look like Ten's father, but let's just brush that off, shall we.
well, about the cue games. let's just say i was out with my muse on Saturday ... and we just somehow passed a snooker club. and i remembered he promised that someday he will teach me how to play the game. and i just stopped in my tracks and it happened.
so we went in, and the hour we had paid for flew by so quickly, but i learned lots.
like - hitting the center of the white ball is apparently an extremely hard task for me. which sucks when you're trying to do the first i-dunno-what-it's-called-in-English stroke or whatever. but at least i don't have problems with getting the white ball instead of the coloured ones in the hole, like my dear muse.
i have loads of things on my mind, but i can't remember any of them. so let's close this off with a last point.
sadly, i probably won't be able to describe it with words. so let's try.
hitting the ball by putting the cue behind your back looks so fucking cool. muse tried to teach me that one, but i'm afraid i'll never be that cool. so i just took some photos of him doing that and melted. really, it looks way too cool. i think i'll make the pictures a trilogy after all.
now i'm off to learn about gimp. he undressed himself. well, his tuxedo.

of lags and animu

2008-05-13T08:50:00.003+02:00

i seem to be lagging while writing these things, really. it's just that many things have happened and i'm not home as much as i used to be.
first of all, i got a job. part-time job, to be precise, but a job nonetheless - which means money to spend on things. namely festivals, going out for cocktails, hookah and then maybe i will buy new headphones and a new mp3 player. really, there are so many thing i can afford now. it will require a whole shitload of working, but i don't really mind much. working gets some issues off my mind. also, working in a pastry store has its advantages.
animefest was ... okay, really. not great, not bad. i met some people i didn't really want to see anymore. i'd hate to call them a bunch of bitches, because that's not really what i think of them, i'd just be happier if all the things i went through with them [or at least the not-so-good ones] just ... disappeared. really, if there's something i never want to go through again, it's living on the internet. as after forever sings, very accurately, i have to say ... this world of fake friends and computer's digital deceit
also, pikshurz. the first one is a collab with Re - another Discworld one, this time Susan Sto Helit. i don't think i captured her the way i see her, at least in the colours which are mine, but oh well, practise, practise.
and the second one is a part of the craft-trade with one girl at my school. she's into cybergoth and weird things, which is close to my heart. it's not what i usually draw, but i wouldn't mind drawing this more often, really.

new arts

2008-05-01T16:49:00.003+02:00

i forgot to upload for some time now ... sad, really. so here you are: the first one is Daze, Reina's pokémon trainer. really, it felt strange to draw a trainer after a year or something, but i enjoyed it, really; and the second picture is Mielikki again, enchanting something, i have no idea what, but i like the pose and people apparently do too.
in life department, ... animefest is coming up. i have no idea if i'm looking forward to it or not, and i don't know if i want to know.
gonna watch some movies or something now, i'm bored.

epiphany

2008-04-27T10:02:00.002+02:00

yes, it's after that sweeney todd song. because that how i feel, i mean, some people are just downright sick fucks that should get nailed by their dicks on a wall and left hanging there for one thousand years or something.
other than that little incident ... i don't know, really. life sucks so much since last september, i can't even comprehend how has it turned around so quickly. i mean, i got sick, then got back to school and everything went downhill. and i dunno where to go from here. if i could just finish high school now and move on to other things... that would probably be the best thing now. i don't think i can bear even one more second there.
in other news, trying out songbird now. somebody tell me why does it eat so much memory, i mean IT'S JUST A PLAYER it's not supposed to eat up 70 MB of my precious RAM. speaking of RAM, i really need more of that shite, because face it - running winamp, photoshop, firefox and miranda at the same time with 512 is just kind of sick. i wish i could drop one of them, but i can't, most of the time.
other than that, i'm afraid i'm getting back into the Pokémon fandom. i mean, the games are really good ... movies too, but i loathe the anime and what i hate the most is the fandom itself. i haven't had much experiences with foreign fans, but the czech community is a bunch of freaks, sick fucks and idiots. worth to mention at this point would be the fact that i basicaly grew up there. go figure. i don't know if i'll ever continue the rant, i really have mixed feelings about the Pokémon business ... and about anime overally, oh, whatever.
well, now i shall go and read some manga or just learn chemistry. oh my god, i'm so not looking forward to this afternoon, although it will probably be a good experience for what i plan to do in the future AKA psychologist.

sum-up

2008-04-17T19:04:00.002+02:00

so life has been really strange the last few days.
Ten bought a pink shirt. i almost fainted when i saw him, it's nothing like the Master i once knew and still adore. oh well, i can't do anything about him being a totally different person now. i guess i still need him in a way ... the puppet must have someone to lead it anyway.
regarding Her, well, things are shifty. her mother's being a bitch again ... and i just don't know anything anymore.
school-related ... well, stuff is boring, but i guess it will always be boring. today i had a dream about Vimes, oh how beautiful was that.
now i should probably go and learn German, or the teacher will kill me. i guess it will result into more drawing anyway. also, i'm a wiz now in RO, hail me or something. the kapra quest sucks, i hate searching for people that cannot be seen. same in diablo, i'm playing a necromancer, Nishant, now ... it's quite fun, but i still prefer my dear Eleanor the assassin.
mother just told me i'm supposed to get a haircut. oh well. someone give me some advice? i'll just make some layers and that's it.

i feel emo.

2008-04-10T14:54:00.003+02:00

so what's new?
art-wise, nothing much. because all i do nowadays is ragnarok. i mean, yes, i am a dork, but i had to give in soemday, i suppose. so i'm playing on the czech reborn server .. i have a soon-to-be-wizard mage and i play together with reina. it's fun, really.
the american guys were okay. they weren't fundies, so it was fine. we did various stuff with them, i saw the chateu in Kroměříž again for the 21486th time, but it was nice. also, that meant spending some quality time with my classmates and also with Her, so not that bad, i think? i got a CD with music but i don't know the names. this always ticks me off, when i don't know the names of songs.
also, i had a chance to practise my english - so that was good. also, if you have never had played master of puppets especially for yourself, then get someone and do it now. kotel did it for me and i almost climbed up the wall from all the eargasms i had.
in other news, mother decided to spend some money on me and bought me new shoes. very nice, although i tend to look all mature now, very scary.
in other news, today i got real emo and got cut myself up. by a doctor. my hand is all bleeding now, it has stitches and i can't move it. i feel like a cripple.
i'll shut it off for now and go do something constructive. i'm thirsty.

the cards say: you're screwed

2008-04-03T16:49:00.004+02:00

so ... before i forget, here, have two pictures. both are discwordl fanart, the shiney thingie is moist von lipwig drawn for reina ... and the second one is His Grace, His Excellency The Duke of Ankh, Commander Samuel Vimes. drawn by reina and coloured by me.
in other news, life started sucking some serious ass again. after that refusal, the burn-out symdrome came down on me again, so i feel even more dead than usual. trying to break it by obsessing over Vimes and reading way too much Discworld. oh yes, the retarded me.
next week, the americans are coming. it's gonna be so sleepy. tomorrow i'm going to the doctors to get myself cut up, hopefully it won't be lethal. today¨s card is the Queen of Wands. no, i don't feel like one at all.

april or something

2008-04-01T08:57:00.002+02:00

so ... life is not so horribly silent the last few days. i guess i'm still having the hangover from doing too much life in a year or so, but that will possibly pass ... and then there will be peace, although nobody wanted it much here. or maybe a new adventure will come. i wish i knew
in other news, school sucks. i'm too lazy to do any studying. if i don't listen in the lessons, i'm screwed. which i don't, because most of the time, i eat or chat with people or read Discworld. oh yea, Discworld. and Sam Vimes, it's been so fucking long since i had a fictional crush. but it's a nice feeling, you can keep dreaming without ever having to think the relationship over, since there basically isn't any. escapism at its finest.
also, before i forget, have a nice photo of Herr Holopainen from Nightwish. i wish i could meet him someday. the concert i went to was wonderful, even under the extreme circumstances it happened.
in terms of my relationship[s], looks like everything's okay again. as i said somewhere else ... everything's okay, another crisis can come peacefully. and looks like it's indeed coming, but this time, i won't have to solve anything. i expect more sacrifices from my side, though.
concerning the american students, they're coming next week. i can't help it but think it will be extremely boring. no one cares about them this year, our class is just probably going to hang out together and such. whatever, we've always been a bucnh of arrogant idiots, in a way. think ... millenium from robbie williams. yes.
today's card of the Page of Pentagrams. well, not bad?

light at the end of the world

2008-03-25T08:40:00.002+01:00

so apparently, nightwish have a new single - the islander. they chose a good song, although the fact that tuomas hates singles and has issued five of them for this album is retarded. and the cover is also nice, i can't wait for the music video.
in other news, my easter break sucked very much. seems like i have a serious relationship crisis, but i have no idea what should i do, so i'm pretty much screwed. i dunno, thinking about stuff gets so tiring. to the extent i have migraines and stuff, not very nice.
school is ... not very exciting now. most of the time i just read books and in some lessons i actually try and listen. but i swear, next year, i'm going to listen in all of the lessons, since there really will be nothing else to do. but the week after the next, some american students are going to come to our school. which means some fun going on, i can't really wait.
today's card is the reversed King of Swords. well, no wonder. now i shall go and study Maths with Her, since i'm at her house.

=.=

2008-03-21T15:03:00.003+01:00

okay, so to explain yesterday's tarot journal. i really needed to decide one important thing, and that is, if i should or should not go over to his place. and the answer is no, because ... really, it would just bring troubles around. i don't want to betray anyone's faith in me, especially Her's, even though she says it wouldn't hurt her ... i know how much it hurt me, so i won't do it. i will make the sacrifice in a different way.
in other news, life has been pretty much okay. it's our easter break, so i'm just having me-time, making art, reading books and going out on evenings. a good life, i guess. especially in terms of art, i got some really nice pictures. although i should do some schoolwork too, mainly presentations and such. and after our break, there will be tests. oh how do i not look forward to that.
i had something i wanted to write about, but i forgot it. oh well, i guess i'll come back later and we'll see.

some more tarot

2008-03-21T02:08:00.005+01:00

and today, with verifiable questions, since i will know the answers by tomorrow.

four of Cups
important points: When the Four of Cups appears it must be taken as a warning. It bears the message that there is a lot of love in your life - but that it can and will slip away if you are not careful. Pleasure in excess often leads to the stagnation of that pleasure and the desire for even greater things which are simply impossible. This is the lesson of the Four of Cups, a card that urges moderation in relationships and all matters of the heart. This is an apparently good and innocent card with a nasty sting lying in wait. Usually it signals a person who is surrounded by love and devotion, totally happy with himself and the life he has made. But the danger in this situation is this: if you take love for granted, you start losing it.
what do i think: oh yes, so freaking true. though i wonder if it relates to him or me.
Queen of Swords reversed
important points: This keen vision allows the Queen of Swords to see straight to the heart of any situation, past the illusions that may entice others into seeing what isn't really there. She always sees both sides of every argument and those who try to deceive her are in for a big surprise - thieves and con artists will quickly taste her cold steel.
what do i think: illusions, illusions... oh yes, they are there, but how am i supposed to look past them? nobody ever told me that.
nine of Wands
important points: You should expect difficulty when this card appears, but you should also expect to find a way to overcome it. Keep your power at the ready and be vigilant for opposition, always ready to defeat it. Identify your own power and be ready to use it in your defense. You should be aware, though, that combat is not always the best answer. Often, waiting is the only way to bring about victory. Beware also of waiting so long that you are still ready to fight long after the conflict has ended. It is often hard to tell whether a period of calm marks the beginning, middle, or the end of a storm. Holding on is admirable, but sometimes it is even more remarkable to let go.
what do i think: this card ... it says yes. although with much disappointment and fightning, it says yes. now to the other question...

ace of Pentacles reversed
important points: The Ace of Pentacles is the foundation for all kinds of projects in the real world; this foundaton is as valuable as gold, and as solid as concrete. It is the cornerstone of a building that might stand for decades, or crumble to dust after a few years - this is determined by how the rest of the structure is put together. The Ace of Pentacles is not the promise of long-lasting financial and material security that some might expect, but it is the sign that such things are within your reach. It gives you the resources to go in search of higher goals.
what do i think: okay, so teh stuff has no basic foundation. that is true, to certain extent, since i'm motivated only by the siren and the wish to overthrow the tyranny.
nine of Swords reversed
important points: Unlike the pain of the Three of Swords, which is caused by an exterior event, the Nine of Swords is a realm of inner anguish. You can run away from exterior pain, but you cannot hide from that which burns within you. Most of the time, the Nine of Swords does not show what exists at the moment, but what could be if the situation continues.
what do i think: in my deck, this card is called "cruelty". and since it's reversed ... well, i don't wish to be cruel to anyone, especially Her, and this decision involves her as much as the other person. so i guess this helps me after all.
king of Pentacles reversed
important things: No one has a stronger character than the King of Pentacles. His word is as good as his gold, and certainly just as valuable. He's similar to the Knight in that whatever he says he will do, will get done. When he appears, know that you have reached the height of achievement and you don't need to take any more risks.
what do i think: okay, so ... there's a person who has no character. i wonder who might that be [read: it's pretty obvious.]. so i shouldn't trust a single world the person says, yes a very good warning.
eight of Cups
some important points: Recognizing when it is time to move on, away from difficult times, is the primary theme of the Eight of Cups. Since it is a Cups card it refers mainly to relationships, those where you are giving too much and not getting nearly enough in exchange. A one-sided relationship of this type will cause you nothing but pain for as long as it lasts, and when the Eight of Cups appears in a reading relating to such a relationship, it is a powerful wake-up call that cannot be ignored. Take a look at your situation and see what can be done to balance things out a little.
what do i think: this is so true it's not even funny anymore. yes, exactly, our past described in one card.
four of Swords
some important points: The Four of Swords shows a period of rest and recovery after a time of challenge, with the promise that, once recovered, you will return to the challenge. In the meantime, the Four of Swords provides a tough new challenge - the challenge to stay silent. The Four of Swords is a guarantee that danger will return to us as soon as we are ready to face it. So make the most of the stillness and quiet you have earned, but never lose sight of the fact that the battle is not yet over, and that there is still work to be done before the storm will pass.
what do i think: oh, is that true? i mean, i thought the battle would be over after this... apparently not, though.
III The Empress
some important points: When the Empress appears in your life, you should make special effort to open up to her perfect and unconditional love. In that way you can become more like her: gentle and affectionate, gracious and elegant. Such qualities are often neglected, but they are also useful in a world of harshness and apathy.
what do i think: well, this card symbolizes a Woman. no wonder it appeared here... it's true.
five of Pentacles
some important points: This leads up to the more spiritual meaning of the Five of Pentacles. This card represents the dark night of the soul, when you must stumble around in the darkness because you can no longer see the light shining within you. Often, during times like this, salvation is not far away, but because you are so preoccupied with your material problems you cannot see it. When the Five of Pentacles appears it is almost always a warning that you are likely to experience some kind of loss, material or otherwise. If this loss has not yet happened you can prevent it or lessen the blow. Worrying about problems like this will do nothing but make them even worse, so stop worrying and start doing something!
what do i think: well, this card is kind of scary in this reading. this is an obvious no to the question i'm facing, i'm afraid...
ten of Wands reversed
some important points: However, sometimes this process shown in the Ten of Wands is a lesson that you must learn. Responsibility is a great character-builder, and by bearing physical burdens you often find that emotional burdens will fall away. You will lose your ego when you ask for help, and you will lose your limitations as you reach and surpass them. But you also have to learn when enough is enough, and when it is time to get out from under your burdens. Sometimes the Ten of Wands is a good card to appear, because it can indicate where you are spinning your wheels and wasting your energy. It is often a sign that, no matter how long you stick to a task, victory is unlikely or even impossible. In these circumstances the best advice is to simply walk away.
what do i think: yes, it fits. i think i can change something if i do it. the question is, is that true?
Knight of Wands reversed
some important points:He typifies the "knight in shining armor" prototype because he is always swooping into situations, saving the day and then moving on to the next adventure. This suddenness hides a deep sense of morality and honor; he is always ready to protect those who cannot defend themselves. But he cannot stand to stay in one place for long; there is always more to do.
what do i think: hopes and worries. is it so? it might be that i'm afraid of getting stuck again ... because of passion, of course. wouldn't be the first time that happened.
five of Cups
some important points: Most people aren't too happy when the Five of Cups appears in a reading, and for good reason. This is a card whose meanings are quite simple: sadness, grief, disappointment and regret. Often these feelings will arise because of actions such as those pictured on the Four of Cups; taking love for granted and not valuing every person or thing in our lives that make us feel special. The Five of Cups usually is not a sign of existing hardship, but a warning so you may change your course in time. But often you will be too late, and the saddening event will happen despite your best efforts. This can be a broken relationship, a divorce, or the loss of a friend.
what do i think: oh my gods. no, this one is a definite no. i'll rather fight my way to make the tyranny end, this price wouldn't be worth it.
King of Cups reversed
some important points: He represents someone who is calm on the surface, yet passionate and volatile underneath. He shows a situation that is not entirely what is appears to be at first glance. Under his facetious exterior the King of Cups hides ulterior motives. He can be found in our lives as another person or as a facet of our own personality. The appearance of the King is often a sign that you should employ peace and tolerance to solve your problems. Use diplomacy rather than force, and accept different points of view. Do not blame others for their failures, but help them to see how they can succeed again. When the King of Cups represents a part of yourself, you must make sure the King of Cups is not manifesting his energy in a negative form. The moderation theme of the Cups suit is critical. If you strive too far into the fiery side of the King you will be burned by his inner flames, but if you slip into the deep water of his emotions you could be overwhelmed and drowned. Stay in the middle and you'll be safe.
what do i think: well, yes. so basically, this card says "DO NOT DO THAT". since he is the king of emotions and everything...

i will heed the advice, i guess. the price wouldn't be worth it...

a dichotomy

2008-03-17T21:33:00.004+01:00

first of all, i think i should slap myself. after all, people get used to better things quickly. or "na lepší se zvyká rychle" in the not-so-lame czech version. but i dunno, i'm trying to not be selfish and share with everyone. it's just tearing my heart apart, because i had been waiting so long for my turn...
in other news, i got certain photos yesterday. to be absolutely honest, i laughed at most of them. it was pretty clear he made them himself this time. it was funny, yes, it was, and i realize more and more, with every single moment, what i have to do. gamma ray holds the answer!
other than that, a japanese lesson today. i so totally fail time, units and also days of the week :] numbers have never been my strong point, don't have the slightest idea how i learned them in english. maybe it's the fact that in japanese, there are so many exceptions that there aren't any rules D;
after the lesson, i went to the library. originally, i was just supposed to borrow several books for Her, but i ended up getting three more Discworlds, and two with Samuel. i swear, that series is going to kill me. i have so many books waiting for me and i borrow more discworld. dork, nice to meet you.
school is not very good, but i hope to do something about that next year, when everyone's gone from the school and there will finally be peace to study. but i guess i'll just read and read and read by then. i'm such a bookworm nowadays.
i can't remember today's card, but it was something good. i also did a few readings ... nothing surprising, really. overally positive things.

2008-03-15T13:42:00.002+01:00

first of all, before i forget it, today's card is the reversed Moon ... oh well. yea, it kind of fits with what i'm thinking about Ten now. he's a freak, really, and yet the Gods think he was the best person to go and toss my whole life around two years ago. life is real weird at times.
other than that, life has been good to me the past few days. no depressions, except for the "he's graduating, oh shit" stuff. but i guess i'll cope with it somehow, and i'm so looking forward to knowing how going away will change his view on various stuff.
school, in terms of grades, sucks very much. i so fail chemistry this year. i seriously need to start paying attention in lessons. also, i should do something about my english. the last test from reported speech ... i made some really unnecessary mistakes there. but i guess with writing in this blog, it will get better. school gets real boring at times, though; i hardly do anything but reading there anymore, in lessons, i mean. in other news, we were supposed to choose our seminaries this week. so i chose history and arts. this is gonna be fun, maybe i will actually start doing SOMETHING in lessons.
now i shall go and tidy up my room, or mother will kill me. and then i'll go and draw something, i think. nothing like a weekend spent at home.

beads, flowers, freedom, happiness

2008-03-12T23:04:00.004+01:00

i sometimes tend to swing that way, i'm afraid.
today's school was very boring. i managed to finish one picture, though – the one from the school ball. as you may or may not know, there's a certain person in my life with whom i've had so many unbelievable happenings it's, well, unbelievable. i won't disclose any names here, but let's call him Ten, just because that happens to be his nickname in my life. yes, people tend to get a nickname when they enter my life. so anyway, i had to draw him ... for sentimental value, or i dunno what lead me to it. it might be because he's graduating this year or something. for the curious, he's the red one. the blue one is a similar person, but from a friend's view.
also, we went to a tearoom with bunch of my classmates. well, this was fucking fun. i needed this so desperately, to just chill out with people i love and some hookah. i got high [can it even be called that when there was no pot? but you know, the feeling when it just goes into your head and you feel like ... man, nothing matters now, really] and we had some spectacular talks about various topics.
today was my japanese lesson. on my way back, i wanted to buy Her [yes, there is a she, no, i won't tell her name] a present, but ... there was nothing good enough, so i just went home.
today's card was reversed Temperance, but i have no idea why was it reversed. my day was quite fine. or it might have been a sign that everything will be okay, that there is no need to think about anything and just let myself enjoy the day.

of the PHP lore and school procrastination

2008-03-11T08:17:00.002+01:00

um, yes, the first post from school. life gets boring here, no wonder when talking about PHP. the whole class is just one big chaos.
at least i have time to read oh my gods! and do tarot readings. today's card is the king of pentacles, so i hope the day will turn out well.
other than that, not much is happening. the usual middle-week crisis took its turn on me. i need the weekend here and now. tomorrow there are two test i'd rather skip - chemistry and germany. those two subjects are so boring.

some finished art

2008-03-09T21:05:00.003+01:00

today was really screwed up, in terms of moodswings. the day started out good ... then by evening, it all went down the drain. but i suppose i cried myself out of it now. crying is a good therapy, haven't been able to produce a tear for some time now.
anyway, i should really go and study now, so here is some finished art, of me and my now ex-muse. commited suicide, like all did before him.
today's card was the reverted queen of cups. go figure.

geen day. also, a picture

2008-03-08T13:42:00.003+01:00

well, yesterday, i listened to green day like three hours in a row ... and i dunno, i used to listen to them like two years ago, reminded me of stuff ... like how i felt back then ... and i finally realized how do i feel now. it's that "i already lived it all" mood again, only with more of a "fuck you" overtone now. life is really strange, but i can't say it's all bad. at least i don't feel like i'm one hundred years old anymore, i feel like i'm seventeen to eighteen, which is not bad, since it's my age.
concerning music, i think my MP3 will break soon. the USB port is all ... wiggly and my computer hardly "accepts" the player anymore. i think i might go and ask somebody to lent me something which can play music so that i can give the MP3 to my father and he will HOPEFULLY send it back to where he got it for a sale return. i really need music, oh well.
today's card is the reversed chariot. well, that's to be expected, taking evening's events into account. i so don't feel like going anywhere.
also, here. have a picture taken by a shitty webcam. i will post it again when i have a chance to scan it.

from cradle to coffin shall my wickedness be your passion

2008-03-06T20:58:00.003+01:00

yes, another nightwish lyrics today, but ... it's so goddamn true.
i whored out myself again today, but the urge is just too strong. or is it? i dunno, actually. it's become more like a ... determination, a determination to see him down on his knees, pleading for his life. i guess he should have never tempted the siren, because this was to be expected.
in other news, i visited the library yesterday. i got some new books, like the chronicles of narnia [have been dying to read them ever since the movie came out] ... a book about the celts, how typical for me ... also, right now, i'm reading the story of O. what an impressive book ... gave me a whole new outlook on various relationships in my life. i need to finish it first before i make any conclusions, though, but it's really interesting. i mean, i'm not interested in bdsm that long, so i can't judge much, but ... impressive, yes. another book that's waiting for me is umberto eco's Foucault's Pendulum. a good friend gave this book to me and i can't wait to read it, since his literary taste is something i would also call impressive. and then, a bunch of Discworlds. yes, Sam owns the world.
today's afternoon was admirable. spent exactly the way i wanted to spend it. for once, i go to bed with my head light. or more like dizzy, taking the last two hours into account...
i can't rememebr today's card. it wasn't anything too good, though.

master passion greed

2008-03-04T23:03:00.002+01:00

yes, a song title. they are bound to appear often, very often.
today's school was very boring. the only fun thing i did was when i went shopping the second large break. nothing like two bottles of zelená, i guess.
afternoon was weird. i get so sick of world sometimes, it's not even funny anymore. brother was great, as always, others were not. days like these leave me feeling exploited, abused and raped to a certain extent. more so mentally than physically.
today's card was XXII - The World. well, i don't think so. or maybe it was, but it would be really fucked up.

that mood again

2008-03-03T22:00:00.002+01:00

i dunno, do you ever feel like there's nothing left in the world for you?
i've been feeling like that for the last few months. not a very nice feeling, i guess. could be called the burn-out syndrome, i guess, since i'm so very scared of all the changes that are coming.
life has been really strange recently, and i think i haven't hit the all-time low yet. and i don't really look forward to the day i will.
in other news, life was kind of boring today. just school ... then a nicely spent afternoon, but still. hiding in the darkness gets so very tiring. also, i drew a picture, but since i don't have a scanner of my own, it will have to wait until i see brother tomorrow. i really look forward to that ... haven't seen him in a long while and he might give me the advice i need so very much right now.
now i shall go and draw. this entry is kind of pointless, i know.
today's daily card was X - Wheel of Fortune, but reverted again. it kind of fits the mood of the day, nothing spectacular, all kind of bleh. i hope tomorrow will be better.

a tarot reading

2008-03-02T18:34:00.005+01:00

well, i got bored of studying quickly, so i decided to do a tarot reading. it might be stupid to post it on the net, but still, i hope nobody will abuse this.
concerning me and a person i know, a person i know very well.

The Hermit [turned]
some important points: You have risen above your desires and emotions because they will no longer help you on your journey. If you are ever in doubt, know that all the wisdom you will need is already inside you, waiting to emerge. This light will not come unless sought out, but when it does, you will see that you had the answers all along. But simply reading it on a page, or hearing others tell you about it, will not give you the experience of the lesson. Only by doing - or not doing - can we ever hope to understand.
what do i think: since this should be my card, and it is also my life card ... it might mean that the changes he started are not over yet, because it's reverted. and yes, i haven't risen above my emotions yet. might be a warning, too, to not repeat my previous mistake i made, when i got the second chance.
Ten of Wands
some important points: Where the rest of the Wands dealt with the creative expression and use of one's willpower, on the Ten this power is blocked, and you are forced to live under someone else's will rather than your own. It is often a sign that, no matter how long you stick to a task, victory is unlikely or even impossible.
what do i think: now this is just batshit insane. is he scared of something? perhaps of me repeating that one mistake, but ... he has nothing to het scared of. it might be something with that venus, i guess, since the ball revealed lots of important things... but other than that, i can't get my head around it. or could it be ... that he's stringed?

Six of Wands
some important points: Six is a number of balance, so it makes sense that the Six of Wands shows a time when the strife and competition of the past have been overcome, and you can enjoy the spoils of victory. Sometimes the Six of Wands indicates the successful formation of a friendship or a romantic relationship, tending to favor the former because the Wands suit tends to focus on morality more than emotion. It is a sign to relax and enjoy the fruits of one's labors. But under no circumstances is it a shady tree under which to sit down and fall asleep. The most important work still lies ahead. This is a reminder that you are on the right track, but that there is still a long way to go.
what do i think: yes, this makes sense. we made it, somehow, though i have no idea how is this possible.

Five of Wands
some important points: The Five of Wands shows two types of conflict - outer and inner. The former arises when the world around you is filled with hassles and minor obstacles that would not slow your progress alone, but, when combined, they become increasingly difficult to overcome. The latter meaning manifests in times of difficult ethical choices, when the head fights the heart and when both are in combat with the conscience, each trying to tell you the best way to act and the right thing to do. It can indeed seem that you are being held back and attacked from all sides in such times. This card may also appear when your ideas meet tough challenges by skeptics or opponents around you. At times like this, the best offense is a good defense. Hold fast to your resolve and let nothing deter you from your objectives.
what do i think: well, this also makes sense. there will be much more fightning before i get to the place i want to be. and i don't really expect any support on my road, from anyone. this is a thing i must do alone, i guess ... the key is to stay cool, since that's the thing i managed to spectacularly fail last time.

overally, there is a lot of fire. wands, how ... figurative. he is a Sagittarius, after all. except for the first card, of course. there will be lots of fightning, but i think we can make it. or i hope so.

a start

2008-03-02T14:58:00.003+01:00

okay, so i guess i like the layout as it is now.
layouts and especially choosing colours were never my strong points, but i tried really hard. but now, the name of the blog doesn't fit. i think i might choose a new name, when i get the inspiration for it.
i guess i should introduce myself first.
my name is Mielikki, although some of you might know me as Laprásek from various sites.
i created this blog, because i felt i really needed a haven of my own. livejournal wasn't enough for me, since i feel it's too limited and i share some really personal stuff there. with this blog, i hope to create a site where anyone can come and it won't result in any drama.
i live in czech republic, enjoy music [especially metal], art, nature and of course hanging out with my friends. i am a pagan, very confused abotu the world and still new to the craft, but i feel like i can use the word now. my life tends to get very strange at times, especially with my habit of taking the less-traveled paths. as for school, which is very often involved in the above-mentioned excesses, my favourite subjects are english and art. i also study japanese, a leftover from times when i used to love pokémon and such. i am a very open-minded person, so if you have anything to say, don't be shy ... i won't bash people for anything.
if there's anythign else you wish to know, ask. maybe the answers will come to you.
now i will go and post some art. i have to study chemistry and maths, thus i am doing something completely different. i am the procrastination queen.